Be kind to yourself

Okay, okay, I know how the headline feels. I also know how it relates to previous articles about discipline. But consider this a continuation. Take it as a continuation of the journey toward success, and please give me 15 minutes of your time.

The road to success and happiness does not have to be paved with self-deprecation. That is not a feeling that leads to success.

Let's start with an example to demonstrate where I'm going.

Imagine you are teaching a child to ride a bike. The child rides for about two yards, falls down, tears their sweatpants, and scratches their knee. What would you do?

You could say: "Obviously, you're not ready for this. Look what you've done. You've destroyed your sweatpants, bruised your knee, and now I have to take care of you. You can’t do it. Give it up.”

Or you could say: "Poor little thing. That must hurt. Let's not do this again; you hurt yourself. Let's stay safe and not get hurt again."

You can also say: "Poor little thing. That must hurt. Let's not do this again; you've hurt yourself." Let's stay safe and not get hurt again."

You can also say: "Come here. It can happen. Let's clean it up, and when it doesn't hurt as much tomorrow, we'll try again. We can be a little more careful if you're scared, but I believe in you."

You can also say, "Look at Jane, you clumsy idiot. She's been riding a bike for three years. You try and fall. Jane is better than you."

I don't know about you, but I'd choose option three. What about you? What do you think a child should hear?

Self-talk

How do you talk to yourself when you fail at something, or when you're about to try to accomplish something?

Have you ever had someone around you who believed in you? Someone who helps you without pushing you? Someone who enjoys your success and supports you when something goes wrong? It's a nice feeling. On the other hand, imagine your best friend is trying to accomplish something or improve. How would you talk to him or her?

Can you be this kind of person to yourself? We are our own biggest influence. We spend every second with ourselves. We talk to ourselves.

Maybe something happened years ago that broke you and made you lose confidence, and since then, you've been carrying it inside. Since then, you've been telling yourself, "Stay low. You know how it ended up last time." But the situation ended years ago; you're the one feeding it.

Maybe you're going through something like this right now. Maybe someone is telling you that you're worthless. Maybe it takes an hour. How do you spend the rest of the day? Do you repeat it to yourself? Do you dwell on the feeling of failure hours after the conversation?

The other extreme is also pointless. Self-pity may not seem dangerous, but it is. It may not seem toxic, but the result is the same: you're sitting in the corner, too scared to move.

Just take care of the wound and try again.

Remember, you are never alone; you are in your own company. It influences you just as other people do. You can put yourself down, tell yourself you're worthless, and give up on yourself. Or, you can motivate yourself, be your own fan, and believe in yourself.

How about being your own best friend?

Biochemistry

If you tell yourself it's "just some ezo," it's important to understand the impact of reality on our biochemistry. It doesn't matter who says you are worthless and incompetent; it's worse if you say it yourself. It is an attack on yourself, and your body reacts as if it were under attack.

• There is a cortisol surge (a stress hormone).

• The assault triggers basic fight-or-flight-or-freeze reactions, and your vision narrows, both physically and metaphorically.

• You will feel unsettled and depressed.

And if you start to believe that, there’s more.

• Shame.

• Fear.

To illustrate, imagine being bullied by your superior every day for years. It will affect your body and mind.

On the other hand, kindness triggers the release of oxytocin and endorphins, which are stress-reducing hormones. Fear will become a much less important factor. If you aren't ashamed to fail, you'll be more courageous.

Psychological impact

When we talk about the fight-or-flight-or-freeze reaction, we usually talk about the physical reaction. However, the brain reacts the same way. Excessive criticism is an assault on your "me."

• "Everyone else is responsible. Everything and everyone is against me."

• "I'm an idiot, and I should be kicked in the butt."

• "I'm incompetent, and I give up."

All of this can result in giving up responsibility.

Researchers such as Kristin Neff and Mark Leary have shown a correlation between self-kindness and responsibility. In short, if you can be kind to yourself, you can accept your mistakes and take responsibility for your successes and failures.

Other research (Neff, Hsieh, & Dejitthirat) shows that self-kindness promotes self-improvement because we care about ourselves more.

There is more research describing the positive impact of self-kindness.

Conclusion

Most of us could use the help of a good friend sometimes. Many of us could use the guidance of a coach or mentor. However, we can be all of those things to ourselves. We can be our own best friend and believe in ourselves. We can be our own coach, asking ourselves, "What went wrong? How can I improve next time?" We can be our own mentor, creating an improvement strategy for ourselves.

Isn't it better than being our own enemy?

Self-kindness is not a weakness; it's a growth strategy.